Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses the concept that one who confesses to a crime is exempt from punitive fines (though he must still make financial restitution).  

Ein Yitschok (Bereishis) explains that this is why God did not directly accuse Adam of eating from the Tree of Knowledge, but instead engaged in discussion and asked questions (see Rashi, Bereishis 3:9). God was giving Adam a chance to confess, thereby avoiding aspects of punishment that represent fines. Death itself is described as a fine decreed upon Adam as a consequence of eating from the Tree of Knowledge (Eiruvin 18b). Had Adam come clean, he might have avoided the worst of the curses.

In the science of communication and relationships, God employed what is called a "Soft Start Up," a term coined by renowned marriage researcher John Gottman. The idea of a Soft Start Up is that when confrontation or complaint is necessary, it is done in a manner that reduces defensiveness. Most people find it difficult to be honest and vulnerable if they are being blamed or attacked, even if they might deep down know they are wrong. This is all the more true in situations where a person feels his or her viewpoint has equal or greater justification.

A Soft Start Up follows several rules, all designed to foster clear communication without blame or added tension:

- The problem or situation is described neutrally. For example: “You came at 7pm, and we agreed to meet at 6:30. I was waiting for a half hour, not knowing what to do.” This is much different from, “You were late and irresponsible as usual.” 

- It uses “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example: “It left me anxious and frustrated,” rather than, “Can’t you be on time for once?”

- It leaves room for the possibility of misunderstanding, missed context, or genuine good intentions, and asks, “Is there something I’m missing?” or “Do you have different thoughts? Comments?”

- It makes a clear and optimistic request, but not a demand. For example: “I would feel much better if you understand why I’m frustrated, and we can figure out what can be done in the future. Or, if it’s a misunderstanding or an unreasonable expectation, we can clear it up and come to an agreement about our responsibilities to each other.”

- The person hearing the complaint should make every effort to avoid defensiveness. Defensiveness occurs when the person throws back the complaint or minimizes the problem. For example: “You think I’m late and irresponsible? What about last week when we had to turn around because we left your sheitel at home?” Or, “Why do you have to make such a big deal out of a few minutes?” A non-defensive response acknowledges and seeks to understand the perspective of the person initiating the confrontation. No other examples are brought up, nor are comparisons made. Only after the person feels fully understood and some resolution is achieved can one ask if there is openness to hearing related feelings, matters this brings up, or alternate perspectives.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

If you liked this, you might enjoy my Relationship Communications Guide. Click on the link above.

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com