Daf Yomi, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy
Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses how various halves of a tenth of flour used for a Mincha are considered a unit, and if one becomes impure, it gets transmitted to the other (if they are in the same vessel, even if not touching each other). The Gemara quips with an adage: “They are all from the same home.” As if to say, the same fate awaits both of them since they come from the same house.
The sense that there is a collective responsibility or fate is powerful. Family members say, “What you do affects us—our standing in the community, shidduchim, etc.,” or a spouse aggrieved about another spouse’s religious lapses will say, “You are ruining the family.” In modern post-therapy life, individualism is valued much more than collectivism, and people recoil at ways in which families or communities impose expectations and standards. Some would say this smacks of codependency.
However, it is the nature of any community or system—a family, a sect, or even an organization—to impose expectations and conformities. One group might expect a certain levish, another a velvet band in their yarmulka, while a secular liberal group might expect a kafiyyeh for solidarity with “the plight of the Gazans.” It will always be a fact of human nature that social sanctions, ostracism, and shaming will be used to enforce norms. Like most matters of mental health, it is a matter of degree and proportion. It may be more present in religious, insular communities, but it is true everywhere.
There is no Torah word for codependency. There is a concept of collective responsibility for the sins of the community, and one is only exempt if he is unaware of others’ sins (see Rashi Devarim 29:28). Despite there being no word for codependency, that does not mean that it does not exist or is not addressed in some way. For example, there is a limit to how much one should do to help another. Though the Torah requires one to do kindness for anyone, even and especially the sinner (see Bava Metzia 32b), if the person is self-destructive and negligent—not helping himself or creating a situation that sabotages the help—you are not obligated to help him (ibid. 33a).
The verse states that one must help “along with him” (Shemos 23:5), that is, help him so long as he is working alongside you. Kli Yakar (ibid.) extrapolates from here that even though we are obligated to give charity to whomever asks, if we see that the person does not take steps to support himself, there is no obligation to sponsor him.
Many people genuinely gain from therapy by learning to individuate and be less enmeshed with their family and community. That can be excellent, but also confusing, if you are a member of the tribe who follows traditions and hews to ancient values. The old-world style sees the individual sublimated to the group. This comes out often today in a generation gap, where elders check to see if a new couple is pregnant, the name of the child, whether they go to shul on time, etc. To one generation, the doings of their children or grandchildren—or how many children they have—is considered part of their business. To a younger generation, it’s a boundary violation.
Values are not Halacha, but rather sensitivities and priorities that are a little flexible and can change from generation to generation. Some of these values may be encoded and expressed in halachic rulings and customs, while others just maintained by social pressure.
It is best not to rely on therapy tropes nor religious slogans: “Not my problem; it’s your business.” “Don’t violate my boundaries.” Instead, one must be wise. Wisdom is the application of knowledge. It takes wisdom to understand how to harmonize newer ideas about emotional individuation with the value of sacrifice and sublimating one’s needs for the sake of the community—or even posterity—to preserve traditions and a lifestyle. There are still times where a person says the community or family is so toxic that he must leave. Though we all may be in the same boat, there is a Talmudic adage: “A person cannot live with a snake in the same basket” (Yevamos 112b).
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com